Envisioning the Perfect Introduction to Heat-Celtics Game One

Amongst a number of dramatic playoff series, this could be the best one yet.

The No. 4-seed Miami Heat had been waiting since Tuesday to find out who they will be playing in the Eastern Conference Finals. They had just finished dispatching the Giannis-less Milwaukee Bucks, 103-94, to win the series in five games. The Heat had reduced the Bucks to the basketball equivalent of smooth, normal Spongebob (pictured below for reference). Miami’s victory was an upset, but given how thoroughly they have demolished everything in their path in the bubble, they are not a team anyone wants to face.

On Friday, they got their next opponent — the No. 3-seed Boston Celtics toppled the defending champion Toronto Raptors in a thrilling game seven. For the first time since 1969, the Eastern Conference Finals will not feature either of the top two seeds. The circumstances are unusual, even excluding that the teams are playing in a bubble in Disney World without fans to protect against a pandemic raging throughout the country.

Regardless, this series has all the makings of one for the books — superstar wings accompanying vital depth, clamorous personalities, high stakes, and teams with something to prove.

In my world, this would be an enjoyable and wacky way for the series to kickoff:

***

After previously stating that he did not invite family to the bubble because it’s a “business trip,” Jimmy Butler continues to demonstrate his weighty attitude.

“I’m actually not the real Jimmy Butler,” Jimmy Butler 2.0 says to Rachel Nichols. “Jimmy copied his conscious and integrated it into a lifelike replica of himself so he could practice basketball and attend to his other responsibilities at the same time.”

“Have you ever played in an actual game in place of the real Jimmy?” Nichols asks among other important questions.

“No,” 2.0 says, “but 3.0 has.”

***

A Twitter video of Gordon Hayward missing the half-court buzzer beater in the college National Championship game to beat Duke resurfaces. People remember that Brad Stevens was his coach then. It’s an obvious connection, but it’s mentioned far less than, say, the friendship between Matthew Stafford and Clayton Kershaw.

Questions come up about Hayward’s availability as he recovers from injury and he is expecting another kid any day now.

“I think I’m good to go,” Hayward asserted. “Thank God I got that extra day with Milwaukee’s protest, even though I don’t really agr-“

His mic cuts off.

***

Goran Dragic had a bad week of practice leading up to game one. He has been reserved ever since the Balkan Boys group has shrunk in size. With Ivica Zubac and Nikola Jokic busy in a tight series, Dragic listens to Laibach songs alone in his room. He discovers that his brother’s name is just his, but with a Z.

***

Kelly Olynyk gets a haircut.

***

Elsewhere in the bubble, Tyler Herro and Udonis Haslem are playing cards and discussing strategy for game one. Despite a 20-year age difference, the two bonded over their fondness for 1870s impressionism.

“What’s your favorite painting?” a reporter asks with suspicion over this unlikely pairing.

“The Gare Saint-Lazare,” they reply in unison. They make eye contact and laugh.

“Monet and Money,” Herro adds.

***

On the day of the game, Robert Williams shows up late to the team bus prior to departing for the arena. He was given the nickname “Time Lord” after he was late to his first day of practice with the team after getting drafted. But following the incident, he realized that he could use the playful moniker as an excuse to be late for everything.

“That’s why they call him Time Lord,” Jayson Tatum yells to the bus. The Celtics erupt in laughter.

Tatum sits back down, and checks his phone. He sees a text from Calgary Flames player Matthew Tkachuk.

“If anyone tries to fight you,” he writes, “remember what I taught you.”

***

During warmups, ESPN airs a mini segment on Duncan Robinson’s miraculous journey from Williams College to pivotal NBA starter. Twitter is set ablaze with everyone making the same joke. Yes, we know Robinson’s story by now. But seriously, it’s pretty crazy, right?

***

It’s game time. The starters of each team take the floor and get ready for tip off. In what is gearing up to be one of the most competitive series in this year’s playoffs, the players show each other respect and dap each other up.

Bam Adebayo looks to embrace Marcus Smart. Upon making contact, Smart drops to the floor and grimaces. He looks left, then right, but no one is moving.

“We haven’t tipped off yet,” Scott Foster explains to Smart, “Don’t pull any of that funny business during the game.”

Smart is excited to pull that funny business during the game.

Awaiting the tip, Kemba Walker makes eye contact with Butler. He sees Butler cough, and a wingnut drops to the hardwood.

“2.0”, an awe-struck Walker says under his breath.

The ball is pushed into the air, Adebayo and Daniel Theis soar with outstretched arms for the right to have the first possession of the series.

It’s going to be a good one.