2020 Resolutions for Each NBA Team

Everyone could afford to be a little bit better next year.

I am exhausted by making New Year's resolutions.

Yes, they are fun to think about. A cautious exercise on how to get yourself on the path to ideality and fulfillment. A new gym pass, guitar, girlfriend, whatever your jaded 2019 self desires.

I don't like to wait for things, though. You want to be a better person? Start now! Finishing a revolution around the sun shouldn't dictate that. But what do I, the all-knowing, know? I will put the kibosh on the cloud-yelling, and I will resolve to limit it now and in 2020.

It is December 31, and any resolution that suddenly pops into your head from now until 11:59 is excused to be put off until the new year.

In the NBA, the changing calendar is purely the turning of an inconsequential page. Really, the New Year began on July 1 when free agency started. Rosters and rotations are largely shaken through the sifter. The February 6 trade deadline is looming though for teams looking to go all in or to throw in the towel. And for fans, they may have resolutions for their teams that likely won't amount to more than wishful thinking.

So here goes absolutely nothing, a resolution for each team in the NBA:

Atlanta Hawks: I promise to avoid performance-enhancing drugs that hinder the growth of my star power forward on my rudderless young team.

Boston Celtics: I promise to not trade away any of our rising stars for a big man that we don't actually need. I also pledge to play Tacko Fall in all blowout occasions.

Brooklyn Nets: I promise to continually tell my fans how much better it will be next year with Kevin Durant and that Kyrie Irving can actually help us win games.

Charlotte Hornets: I promise to continue being the Miami Dolphins of the NBA as we overachieve and actually invest in our young talent.

Chicago Bulls: I promise to actually play defense and score in the paint. We shall search for someone, preferably a transcendent Chicago native, who could accomplish this for us.

Cleveland Cavaliers: I promise to trade away every player who is not engaged with the 5-year play we have laid out for John Beilein and our organization.

Dallas Mavericks: I promise to feed Luka Doncic grapes from a vine and fan him with large leaves so long as he remains healthy and keeps us surging towards the top of the West.

Denver Nuggets: I promise to get Michael Porter Jr. more involved, resulting in the trade of one of our young bench players and other assets for a valuable piece, because for some reason no one takes us seriously as Championship contenders.

Detroit Pistons: I promise to go into full rebuild mode because we faltered through one of the league's easiest schedules, going 0-5 against the Hornets and Bulls, and have no path forward.

Golden State Warriors: I promise to sit tight with our roster because we will be atop the West again next year with relative ease. Enjoy the break, everyone!

Houston Rockets: I promise to find another way to score besides James Harden because our offense is quite stagnant when he's double-teamed. What signs, besides all of them, suggested Russell Westbrook wouldn't help this team that much?

Indiana Pacers: I promise to remain under the radar, even through Victor Oladipo's return, because we truly can contend with anyone in the East. Upsetting the Bucks with Malcolm Brogdon would just be too sweet.

Los Angeles Clippers: I promise to ignore everyone about load management because we are winning without a stress in the world.

Los Angeles Lakers: I promise to assuage concerns about finding a third scorer because we will be healthy for the playoffs and we've been doing just fine despite Kyle Kuzma having off nights.

Memphis Grizzlies: I promise to teach Ja Morant how to fall because he is already a star, who bares only a LITTLE resemblance to Russell Westbrook, and must be preserved at all costs.

Miami Heat: I promise to not make a trade for a point guard this year or really make changes since we truly have the coolest roster in the league.

Milwaukee Bucks: I promise to win a Championship as we have the roster capable of doing so and if we do anything that hurts Giannis's prospects of staying after 2021 then life is meaningless.

Minnesota Timberwolves: I promise to pursue another point guard either by trade or in the draft so that our fans no longer have to suffer with Jeff Teague.

New Orleans Pelicans: I promise to teach Zion how to walk properly or else we're in big, big trouble. And to trade JJ Redick so that his career-long playoff streak can continue.

New York Knicks: I promise to fire James Dol- fdsajklsdfi help me asuidoahfds aDolan got me sdfasiambl.

Oklahoma City Thunder: I promise to trade at least one of Chris Paul or Danilo Gallinari because they belong on a contender. Well, at this point, at least Gallinari does and shouldn't be the poster child for gritty 8-seeds.

Orlando Magic: I promise to actually put the basketball through the hoop and not rely on defense from guys in their early 20s.

Philadelphia 76ers: I promise to give Ben Simmons a jumper because we would be borderline unstoppable if that was the case. I would understand not learning though if you had $170 million coming your way for not having one.

Phoenix Suns: I promise to not trade for Kevin Love and develop Cam Johnson because what are we going to win right now?

Portland Trail Blazers: I promise to trade for Kevin Love because we are nearing last-chance territory, and the prospect of Damian Lillard never even making it to a Championship game is a disappointing thought.

Sacramento Kings: I promise to trade Bojan Bodganovic because he should be a valuable trade asset and we made a mistake overspending on literally every other player.

San Antonio Spurs: I promise to give fewer minutes to DeMar DeRozan and LaMarcus Aldridge because it's time to admit that we aren't a good team and should let the younger guys step up.

Toronto Raptors: I promise to keep fighting as a contender in the East because people forget that we didn't need Kawhi to make it far before.

Utah Jazz: I promise to get bench production, as we have tried adding to with Jordan Clarkson, to remind everyone why they picked us a low-key title contenders because our roster is still good.

Washington Wizards: I promise to continue shooting lights out because we are a hapless franchise but at least we are a sorta fun to watch.

Happy New Year! 2020 will be the best one yet.